A Season of Running Barefoot.
Hello, readers! It has been a while. Four months, to be exact. Did anyone even notice? For my own sake, I hope not. But I am back, and yes, I am THRILLED the column is officially in full swing again!
The last time we talked, I was in a strange place. Up until now, this column has known me in fragments. My music taste. My ambitions. My opinions. My advice. My theories about love. You watched me narrate a life I thought I was already living. What I did not realize then was this: I was not starting a new chapter when I began this column. I was closing in on the first chapter of a much bigger one.
I was letting go of a season where I kept myself trapped by rules, boxes, and mindsets I had already outgrown but was too scared to leave. Somewhere in that letting go, I stopped writing altogether. And it was great.
So let’s catch up on this February morning. There is a lot to say about the season I am now calling “running barefoot”.
WTF is “Running Barefoot” ???
Running barefoot is the title of this chapter in my life. It is the act of trusting myself when life feels like a blind run with nothing protecting my feet. In my head, I am wearing a flowy dress with a missing button, but you can picture it however you want. It is trusting that the ground beneath me will hold. That no hidden nails are waiting to prove me wrong. It is choosing instinct over fear as I take the first sharp turn without looking back.
In this era of trusting the path I am on, I have faced what I once thought was an identity crisis. Now I see it for what it really is: an identity expansion. I know who I am. That’s cool, I think. The question has shifted to how I live that truth. Who does the healed version of me become? What rooms does she walk into, and who is standing beside her?
Am I 30 or 13?
Sue me. I love living in the in between where I cannot decide if I want to be a kid again or an office boss tomorrow. Some days I want to grind through schoolwork and then disappear outside until the sun goes down. Other days I want to apply for internships and check off everything on my grocery list like a functioning adult. It is a fun place to exist, as long as it is not hurting you.
At the start of my first semester at my new college, I almost gave myself permission to make bad choices under the excuse of “I never got a real college experience.” The first part is true. The rest is not. Missing that experience does not mean I need to relive being eighteen. I hated being eighteen when I actually was.
In my own selfish, self-sabotaging era, I realized something uncomfortable. I want more for myself. Bigger. As much as I say it, I really am standing in a place I once believed I would never reach, and I refuse to waste it on things that only offer temporary satisfaction.
That realization dropped me into a gray area. A space where I let myself enjoy the softness of feeling young while still honoring the adult life I am building. I am literally 21, and I was shocked to find out some of my subscribers don’t know that LOL. I do not need to have everything figured out, even though I spent most of my life believing I had to. And just because I have an “old soul” does not mean I am not allowed to simply be twenty-one.
If this sounds like you, consider adding a little whimsy to your February. What is something you loved as a kid that might still bring you joy now? Or what is something you have never tried that could quietly lead you toward your next door?
Running into You, Blindly.
In my season of running blindly, I ran into someone who wanted to run with me. During this snowy Nashville winter, there has not been much literal running, but there has been a lot of learning.
I spent a long time believing this part of my life was meant to be done alone, and I made sure it stayed that way. I avoided romance like a defense mechanism. I started things with one foot out the door. I flirted with connection without ever committing to it. I told myself I was protecting my peace when really, I was just afraid to be seen. So when I finally stopped resisting, something comedically unexpected happened. I took a leap without fully knowing where I would land with another person, and somehow, it became one of the best risks I have ever taken.
Whether romantic or platonic, being seen in a way that softens you again changes everything. Especially when it does not feel heavy. Especially when it feels easy.
That kind of seeing has allowed me to take off the armor. To exist as myself without performance or protection. The childlike version. Ava Kellner, not Vee. Letting someone witness what lives underneath the defenses I built has been healing in a way that feels really real.
It has also made me more intentional about who I allow into my life, particularly when it comes to friendship. I often think about something my mom once told me. You need people who pour into you while you pour into them, in balance. Lately, I have been calling that a watering friend.
As I have said before, love is not the goal. It is the bonus. And it is a damn good one. More to come on that.
Do I Put My Shoes Back On?
Running barefoot has taught me that I do not need every step mapped out to keep moving forward. I do not need certainty to trust myself. Some seasons are not about speed or distance. They are about learning how it feels to touch the ground again and realizing you can handle it.
This season has also asked me to be present instead of prepared. To choose softness without mistaking it for weakness. I am still figuring things out, but I am no longer afraid of the unknown in the same way. Sometimes growth looks like standing still and finally believing you belong where your feet are.
So if you find yourself in a season where everything feels exposed, uncertain, or unfinished, maybe that is not failure. Maybe that is you running barefoot. Trusting yourself enough to keep going without the protection you once thought you needed. Letting the ground meet you where you are.
I will keep running. Barefoot.
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Thank you for reading this week’s column! It means a lot to know some of you have been asking for more. I am glad to be back, and I am ready to keep sharing.
As my life shifts, the column will too. The tone may change, and that is completely intentional. There is more coming, including new topics and some collaborations I am excited about… so get excited!
Thank you for your patience as always. I will see you next week!
Ava
